it's bitter baby and it's very sweet

i'd cheat destiny just to be near you

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 04:31:35 GMT

bono1320: i miss you

i love you.

i'm a mess i guess

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 05:44:37 GMT

i'm never sure how to start
even more unsure of why i should
it always seems to catch up to me anyway
my heart is heavy
and my skin's been a thinner
but the wounds remain
and the scars still stay
i just want a new layer
a layer of ground
to firmly place my feet again

i don't ask much of anyone
i never have all of my life
i know i've got a lot of baggage
but baby i swear
i'd never ask you to hold it for me
i've got the strength of ten men
i'm just not invincible
and i get weak like everyone else

i promise
the only thing i'd ask you to hold
is my trembling hand
to remind it to always be calm
in the rememberance
that my hand will never fit so well
with anyone else's
as it does with yours

my poem seems pretty self explanatory but i feel like talking about it anyways. basically what it comes down to is that i am overwhelmed with insecurities. sometimes i just wonder why i let myself like anybody because my mind sometimes shuts off as some sort of freakish psychological defense mechanism that tells me i'm afraid of love. then after it happens, i always feel guilty as if the other person feels like they are to blame and they aren't. it's me. i am so scared to let somebody love me when at the same time, it's the one thing i want more than anything. i'm just waiting for the one boy to come along and lift that weight that i carry around with me and make me feel secure that it will work. i won't have to shut off my mind and i will be able to give myself to them emotionally and physically and be okay with it and okay with me and love me and love them all at once. i really want to be someone's escape and the one person they can run to. i'm good at picking people up no matter how hard they may hit the ground.

i worry too much and my mind is always running at 100mph. i have emotional baggage, i do and sometimes i get lonely and vulnerable like everyone else even though i HATE admitting when i feel weak. i have that baggage but i would never ever make anybody else deal with it for me. i would never bring it into a relationship. the last thing i would ever want is to complicate something that is supposed to be relieving in somebody else's life.

i know somebody is going to come along and all of this will be washed away from me and i will have my feet on the ground and i will be happy and my mind won't shut off on me; no defense mechanisms needed. i'll find someone real and someone who is here for me as much as they are here for them. i won't always be this way, someone will lift the weight. i have faith.

<3

there's always something more you wish he'd say

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 16:13:30 GMT

I know we talked about it, I just can't get around it
I just want one more night with you

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

why can't i just fucking get over him?

everybody loves you when you're easy

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 06:32:52 GMT

i feel like i'm losing friends.

i made/strengthened a lot of friendships over christmas break and the LAST thing i need right now are for any of those people to go away. i thought things were fine but suddenly i feel like it's different and like something is now missing. i guess i'm always going to feel like i'm not good enough or i have to be a step up of...something...to get to that level of love and closeness that i feel for those same people.

i just want a bestfriend. everytime i think somebody is my bestfriend they turn around and somehow rub in my face that they have a bestfriend that was around before i was. i guess i can't really be mad or jealous because i don't want to step in the middle of something that's already been established and is precious. i guess i just...always feel way more far away than i really am when i am at college. almost like i'm forgotten. i just can't lose these people...not now...

and the whole concept of "top friends" should be eliminated on myspace. it just makes people irritated when you're moved because it makes you feel less significant...as stupid as that sounds...we all know we feel that way. at least i do.

i dare you to move

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 07:43:45 GMT

when am i ever going to feel like i belong? the only time i ever feel comfortable with myself and feel truly happy is when i am with my friends from home. once i get back to school i feel completely foreign. i don't know who i am or whoever it is i feel like i have to be in order to be at peace here. i've tried so much to become settled here and find myself out...but see, that's just it...i found myself out a long time ago. i know exactly who i am and a lot of these people at school are not who i want to share myself with. to be honest, i don't feel like they deserve it. i've got a lot to offer people and some of what people are taking from me is completely undeserved. for some reason i feel some level of disrespect and discomfort at school and i just can't seem to get past it. my paranoia and insecurities SKYROCKET once i get here. i NEVER want to get ready just because i hate looking in the mirror. the mirror has always been my worst enemy but at school it's like needles are in my eyeballs looking at myself and i dislike every pathetic second of it. when i am at home i will wear what i want and be what i want and i always feel good. i always feel like i look good and it feels natural wearing a smile. i do the same thing at school; i'm who i want to be and i wear what i want to wear because that's how it should be...but it doesn't feel so natural wearing a smile anymore. it feels pretty forced. there is always a little something missing when i am here but at home, i'm whole. completely whole and at ease. there's no other feeling in the world like it.

let's talk a little bit about l-o-v-e. pardon my french, but what the fuck is love anyways? something that certainly pays NO attention to me. "be patient kayla"..."kayla you're intimidating"..."you're too much woman kayla"...shut up. everybody. i've heard every excuse in the book as to why i have the worst luck with guys on the face of the earth and you know what? i don't want to hear it anymore. i don't want to deal with it at all anymore. i am so surprised i still have the balls to tell guys i like them when i do when i KNOW that i am going to hear some variation of the phrase "i just want to be friends". do you really? but how do you KNOW that if you won't try us on the next level? can you be SURE being friends is better if you never give me my chance? i'm gonna lay low with relationships for a while because i just honestly don't think my heart can handle another variation of that physically sickening phrase. if i've told guys of many different types themselves that i like them and they all say i'm not their type...whose goddamn type am i? god forbid i'm one of the few sane girls in the world who don't want to go out with you to throw a leash on something to make herself feel more important. god forbid i would want my boyfriend to have his own life and completely be himself and all i ask is that he takes me along for the ride and shares himself with me. god forbid i want somebody to love unconditionally and do whatever i could to make them the happiest they've ever been. god forbid you give somebody like that a chance, right?

i don't ask much...at all, actually. i just want a chance. i know of a lot of people in the world who get to be with the people they love and they never appreciate it for a second. why not me? when will it be my turn? i'm one of the most patient people in the world and even my will power is going to shit.

yyyaaayyy

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 04:40:44 GMT

i am so proud of myself.

i was so worried about college and freaking about this, that, and the other thing but i really am doing very well for myself. my GPA for this past semester is a 3.540 and that is really good for a first year college student. i am just really happy with the way things are going and i'm planning on improving even more next semester. i am so PSYCHED for next semester! i am going to start myself on a new work out regimen and REALLY discipline myself and get my will power going. i really want to see results this time. no more being lazy and no excuses, i am going to make it happen. my ultimate goal for next semester is to get straight a's. not legit 6 "A's" but a mix of a's and a-'s. that's is my goal and i am going to try SO hard and if i achieve it there is no saying what i could possibly do to express my excitement. =]

<3

i don't know why i can't keep my eyes off of you

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 02:32:37 GMT

i feel like i just got my heart broken. that empty feeling you have when you want somebody that you are so totally in love with but reality just completely slapped you in the face telling you no, you can't have them. i have that feeling that you get when you just want to tell yourself to be thankful for what you had with them but all you want to do is cry over what you did not and will not have with them. i have the feeling you get when you just can't possibly think about anything besides this sickeningly perfect person that you just want to love with everything you have.

but who the hell am i thinking about?

we swear that "this year, this year"...

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 04:32:00 GMT

i decided to make a new livejournal. i don't know if it had something to do with it being a new year or me being a new me. i guess a little bit of both, really. i was just going to keep updating my old one but then i realized i didn't want to keep adding entries to such a neurotic part of my life. i want to pretend that livejournal never happened and all of the things/people i pissed and moaned about as well.

so 2006 is over. that's pretty crazy. now i feel like graduating high school really has closure. i had been waiting my whole life for 2006 because i was going to be a big bad senior and then was going to be off to college soon. then it happened and none of it felt real. college still doesn't feel real but something clicked when i realized it isn't 2006 anymore. that is insane that the year i've had butterflies about my whole life just ended last night. it was a pretty fabulous year. i graduated, had an AMAZING prom, lost shitty people, found wonderful people, played with the idea of love, and lost my innocence. i only hope that 2007 has just as much in store for me. i have a lot planned out in my mind about this year and what i want to make of it. i don't like resolutions so i don't make them but i do have an idea of where i want to be this time next year. i want to finally be content with my appearance and i want to be in love. "that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the fence, world series kind of thing." and you know what? i can totally do that...both of them...because nothing stands in my way anymore. i had such a hard time being me and letting go the past couple of years in my life because the people i surrounded myself with brought me down to the point where i just had no idea who i was and how to get that security back. that was so incredibly scary to not know the body that i lived in. but everything is wonderful now. i have surrounded myself with only those who take me higher and god damnit do i love them. it's like a weight has been lifted and i just feel...free. yeah, 2007 is going to kick ass.